The ABC´s of Steff McKee

Hey, howyalldoing? So I´ve been checking around Google to see if my little humble blog should happen to show up somewhere and I´ts still nowhere to be seen, so I kinda feel like I´m talking to myself now. But I do that all the time anyway, so it´s ok.
Anyway, I was thinking that if I were to dole out my complete and extensive in depth analysis of the character of Steff (yes, Hamlet has nothing on this guy) in just one sitting I could get carpal tunnel, and anyway ,where´s the fun in putting all the eggs in one basket? So I decided to start small. I decided to start with our friend the alphabet!
I assure you,by the time we reach the 26th letter of the alphabet, we´ll have thoroughly dissected and picked apart everythingt there is to know about our favorite teenage sociopath, from what Steff REALLY thought about Andie´s makeshift prom dress (that one is NOT to be missed),and how to tell with absolute precision when the next school bell will ring. On we go:

IS FOR ALPHA!
Steff is an alpha male. Sure, he isn´t a stereotypical alpha male, as he is rich , gets his hair "coiffed" and "feathered" in a salon, not a barber shop  because it "smells like horse piss in there, and the men look at me all strange"(true quotes from Steff, I kid you not) and the thought of him touching anything mechanical makes him sneer at you in disgust. Nope, Steff is no Stanley Kowalski.Yet  he does share with the alpha male two primary characteristics: Leadership ( Tells people what to
do and they listen, isn´t that right, Blainey?) and Initiative,something sorely lacking in all of the other male characters in the movie. Even Andie´s depressing old dad seems to mope around his house all day in some ratty robe for the movies entire run (seriously, how Andie didn´t lach on to Steff for dear life the moment he asked her out is and always will be beyond me). All of these men were clearly missing a couple of balls from their sacks.
                                                         But not our Steff!


You see, while the other, nicer, rich dude Blaine wasted the first 30 minutes of the movie going around the school sneaking looks at Andiw and roaming around the record store she worked at ,wasting her time  by making akward coversation, and the nice poor dude Duckie was following her around like a lap dog in hopes she would someday notice what a studmuffin he was behind those Lennon glasses and throwing hissy fits when she talked to other boys, Steff was straight and to the point. He took the initiative. He had no time for pretentious computer tricks or riding a bicycle around her house in the rain Hell no! In fact, the first time we lay eyes on Steff he is propositioning the girl everyone seems to want without the break of a sweat. And like the self respecting caveman he really is, he first blocks the means of escape of said female,  looks her body over up and down (in a way of making sure she is fit to carry his offspring, it¨s presumed ),then proceeds to STICK OUT HIS TONGUE between his front teeth, like some kind of magnificent male snake searching out his lunch, . From coolquiz.com:

For the male snake, the tongue is both a sensory organ, and a sensual organ. The tongue plays a vital role in snake courtship and reproduction, as the male snake's jerking body motions and rapidly flicking tongue either charm the female snake, or render her unresponsive. In either instance, by sticking out their tongues, snakes ensure the survival of the species.

Phew! Just typing that made me have a hawt flash. I really should have had my a/c fixed before I started.

s

Look, I can roll my tongue into a U.Betcha  Blaine can¨t!

To close this all up, what you need to know about Steff from this, is that he doesn´t fuck around. Well, actually he does, and quite often, but that´s only because he doesn¨t fuck around (you get me?)
Sure this method may not  work on girls like Andie who are still dreaming about pink lacy hats and boys with dreamy eyes and becoming Teh Best  Fashion designer in Dah world and who wouldn´t recognize a good lay if it hit them in the face, but who cares? Those are the kind of girls that expect you to call them the next day anyway.

Yes,it IS that guy from "Pretty in pink"

Hey,peeps! So,this is a new one for me. I always wondered what it would be like to start a blog. Scratch that, I always wanted to have an interesting enough life to actually write about. But truthfully, details on my life would result in putting readers into such a comatose sleep, and I could not, in good conscious, bring myself to instill that kind of soporific pain upon anyone. Besides, why would I want to waste my time talking about me, when I could be using it to talk about HIM:

Socks are for poor people!says Steff

Okay, so I´ve watched Pretty in Pink several times throughout my life, and each time the movie is coming to an end, and I´m covering my eyes to make sure I don¨t see the girl in the glorified pink mumu and her jelly spined love interest having one of the most akward "passionate kisses" in movie history in a parking lot, I get a gnawing sort of feeling in my stomach. Why am I not happy that these dopey star crossed lovers finally found each other? Why do I gleefully anticipate the moment that Andie realizes that Blaine is missing a personality and a pair, Blaine realizes that Andie is an overbearing bitch with a chip on her shoulder, and it all blows up in their faces?

Andie:What do you mean you haven't told your mother were getting married yet!The wedding is tomorow!

The answer is somewhere in that hotel ballroom, secretly drowning his sorrows in his scotch filled flask, trying to drown out the inner voice that is bitterly asking him what his ex best friend has that he doesn´t ,trying to get his bimbo girlfriend Bennie upstairs for the at least momentary relief from reality via sex and a few joints of the good stuff, all the while, pretending to be king, pretending not to care.
Before anyone acuses me of over analyzing a somewhat trivial character in this teen flick, let me tell you, this guy is the only thing that makes me give a f-ck about this movie. Well, at least after Iona sold out and started dressing like a 40 year old suburbanite and the Duckman folded like today´s  laundry in front of Bland´s feet in the prom without even a fight.
The incredibly compelling thing about Steff (played by the overtly awesome James Spader) is that you both envy/hate him with white hot intensity, and pity him to at least the same extent. At least you do if you don´t drink the pink koolaid that the movie seems to want to offer. To many it´s much easier to categorize people in black and white, but not to this mamma. Life has taught her better. Sure Steff is a bit of a prick, but it´s not his fault he has the emotional intelligence of an 8 year old. What is it that people say: "One is a product of his own enviroment"? Makes sense, allthough in this case I would switch product with victim.
 And hey, even if the guy is a complete and utter asshole with no redeeming qualities, he is still worthy of our admiration because:
1) Loafers and No socks!He and only he can make what old men wear to the beach look sexy,edgy and cool.
2) Looks directly at a girl´s crotch when trying to persuade her that he is "talking about more than sex here".

Steff wondering if he too would look pretty "in pink"

3) Doesn´t have to go to class,or carry books for that matter because, well, that kind of trivial stuff is beneath him.
4) His voice...Jesus Christ.....his voice! Smoother than a baby´s bottom.
5) Wears a white linen suit like nobody has before or since.
6) Throws awesome parties in the family mansion ,but is way too cool to actually be a part of them, opting to watch music videos and down scotch upstairs in the master bedroom and basking in the afterglow of sex with his hot/trashy girlfriend.
7) Is the only one at prom donning a black tux, you know, like real men wear nowadays.
8) "If we´re going to shoot we gotta shake it"
9) Smokes in the hallways of school without any fear of the consequences. Hell, why would there be any? Even the teachers seem a bit nervous around him.
10) The man is so sexy, so beautifull, it´s like Helen of Troy had sex with a stack of a million dollars and they had a baby boy. Hell, even Andie took a peek of him in his tightie whities at the party (don´t even try to deny it,girl )


For these and many other reasons, Steff has earned something that neither Andie, Blaine or Duckie have earned: Their own personal blog dedicated to nothing but their awesomeness. In it will be anything and everything Steff McKee, from his taste in music, to his thoughts about ObamaCare. Enjoy, as I will, in getting to know this complicated, crazy and lovably messed up character!

You got a problem, friend?

Name: Steff (Steffan) McKee


Age: Anywhere between 18 and 43, depending on whether he made it though the 80s in one piece.


Likes: Andie Walsh, loafers and no socks, Malboro lights, sneaking flasks of booze to the prom, white linen suits, deflowering freshman girls in the back of his red porsche, Scotch neat, organizing teenage orgy parties, roaming around school halls imparting words of wisdom, insulting his girlfriend as foreplay,and generally looking bored, stoned or both.


Hates: Andie Walsh, the dork with the pompadour hair that hangs around with her, his best friend conversing with "mutants", 300$ a night hotels, going to class, getting jumped in the hallway by dork with the pompadour hair, his son-of-a-bitch father, getting anything less than Blue Label Jack Daniels when ordering whisky.



Whereabouts: May or may not have died in 1989 from cardiac arrest while sniffing coke off a 2000$ a night hooker´s ass. Recently reported sightings have been in Boston, Massachusetts and Scranton, Pennsylvania.